(no subject)

idk if it's the passage of time or the growth as we age or the energy in 2018 that's making me so much more emotionally vulnerable

it could be the realization that i have few friends and even less meaningful relationships with people
or simply needing you more in my life when time has made it so we see very little of each other

but i just wish i could have seen you more this past year.

(no subject)

i know im an asshole and i always act like i care less or that i don't care at all

i always think that if i treat it like it matters less than it'll matter less and it won't hurt as much

and im wrong, of course, because it still matters and it still hurts and i hate myself for devaluing how much you matter to me and how important you are

(no subject)

im so wary of opening up to people!!! and trusting them enough to tell them anything and there's exactly one person who i've opened up to about everything and it isn't you because i always think you won't reply when i need you to reply the most and the thought of being left waiting when im vulnerable is so off-putting that i don't always open up to you and i wish i could

(no subject)

it’s the same thing as when r* came into your life and i hated them so much becuse it felt like they were always the better friend and it made me feel so incredibly unnecessary and unneeded in your life!! and i always needed you so i hated them because you always needed them

and im grown enough to realize tht’s stupid because these friends came into your life when you they needed to because tht’s just how life works and they can provide whatever they provide and it doesnt concern me because they are different people

and that’s such a logical thought but it doesnt override the anxiety and paranoia in me that thinks im only around and not because you need or want me to and that i dont provide anything and im useless and stupid and unnecessary and if i wasnt around it wouldnt make a difference

and you not responding and not being able to see you when we live in the same city only refutes my paranoia but i cant always be mad at you because i know it’s something you dont do intentionally

but im also always mad at you for being this way!!!!!!! because you can’t help yourself and keep doing it and i always get hurt by it

i always think im ok with it that i don’t care anymore and i won’t be affected but then i feel like this and i hate this so much i hate feeling this way

(no subject)

it’s not something that we can do anything about and i realize that

there’s no one to blame there’s nothing wrong with either of us it just is

but that doesnt makeit hurt less and it still hurts because i dont want to lose you as a friend i just dont think there’s anything to do be done about it because we have to grow as people and that’s just how it is and i hate it i hate it i hate it ebcause it means we might not be friends anymore and i dont want to lose you as a friend

fuck, you’ve been so integral to my life and i never spouted shit when i said you changed me into the person who i am today and i dont dont dont dont dont dont dont want to lose that but i think i am and i hate it so much

(no subject)

the thing that terrifies me the most is losing friends so im so so so so so so scared of losing you

im so tired of losing friends i hate losing friends i hate losing the people that mean the most to me im so tired of this happening again and again and again

i don’t want it to happen again please dont

(no subject)

i got into journaling really intensely and i think that's become my new coping mechanism because obsessing over how to decorate my entries takes my mind off of how fucking useless i find myself to me.

i havent read much fanfiction and ive, also, been mindlessly watching competition shows.