(no subject)

im in the process of forming a real romantic relationship and we are working on it slowly and im dying inside because i dont know what to do but i really like him!!!!!

people get surprised when i nonchalantly mentioned how my dad wanted me to be aborted. it's not like i don;t wish the same, tbh

if i'm not reading to distract myself, i'm obsessing over someone unattainable or i'm obsessing over something stupid and those are my only reprieve from how utterly defeated i feel as a person.

my heart feels heavy and my life feels so hopeless and i just dont want to do this anymore

tired of this tbh

i haven't gotten out of this negative funk all week and i'm just so sick of myself!

if i'm not completely absorbed reading fanfiction, i'm spaced out or asleep and it's really bad how much of a crutch fanfiction is for me. i've pushed off eating for hours just to read and i have an essay due tomorrow that i haven't worked on because i was reading. i had spent 9 consecutive hours, from 11AM to 8PM, reading instead of doing anything actually productive today.

i hate this it's so fucking stupid but i don't want to stop.

i feel so disconnected from myself right now and i don't know whether i'm just disassociating a little or i'm just broken

i've realized that i've given up on my childhood need for adventure. i can't say i've ever gone treasure hunting or explored beyond my limits for the greater story, i can't even say i've had the imagination to support ambition and adventure. i've been content to follow the flow and to do what i reasonably can, but i also can't help but want to explore. it's not reasonable, especially as an adult and especially in this world, to want to completely drop everything and just embark on adventures (but i do)

i want to explore and live an exciting life. i want to discover new things for myself, to see the world outside of home.

i want to leave everything behind and just

i wish my life was a fantasy because that's what i want to live. an imagined world of fantasy and adventure that has no place in reality.

i'm so used to twitter's character limit that my vents have condensed into short posts because i don't know how to elaborate my thoughts anymore.
which really needs to change because i can't keep breaking down through twitter and not using this when i kept this lj for the purpose of freak-out-venting.

i just don't know how to put myself into words anymore and i'm so frustrated at how scared and hateful i am of everything